Edit: This is a brain crack that I had, something that grabbed me today and would not free my mind to other things. So I did this little free-style writing exercise to get it out of my system and clear my mind for other kind of writing. It’s not the best piece of writing you’ll ever encounter, but at least it fixed the brain crack.

Scars trace out old injuries. Each scar is accompanied by a story, meant to remind us of who we were and how we shaped to be. I have quite a few scars on my body.  Some I remember getting, others are a fading memory, lost to other, more important memories. I also have some scars in the making, recent injuries that are bound to leave their mark on me, reminding me in years to come experiences I’d probably rather forget. And then there are those scars that are not visible to the naked eye. They reside in our minds and affect our emotional psyche. Old, traumatic experiences forever embedded on our souls, bending us to their influence, whether we want to or not.

But the scars that fascinate me most are those we take for granted. The scars on the walls of the place we call home. Those cracks and marks are a monument to the things that came to pass in these rooms that make us feel safe. Some of these scars have been created by us, and we know their stories all too well. But others, far more mysterious, will forever leave us wondering what do they mean and how did they come about. The fun part is imagining the answer a thousand different ways.

One day, we too will carelessly yank out a wall-lamp or badly hit a nail to leave our own mark on the walls. A future tenant of this home will, also, wonder how these scars came to pass. What’s the story behind them. Who were these people who lived here before him. And he too could imagine the answer a thousand different ways. And he too will leave his own scars, a legacy of a life within the confinement of brick walls and glass windows.

So if you care to find me, look to the western sky. As someone told me lately, “everyone deserves a chance to fly!”

Exactly one year ago was the last time I saw Wicked, and I miss it already. I’ve seen it once a year since 2008. On November 26th 2008 I saw Wicked for the first time at the Victoria Apollo in London with my friends David and Uma. The seats were crappy and everyone on stage looked tiny but I fell utterly in love with the story. I remember walking out of the threater and telling David that I definitely prefer the story of the wicked witch of the west told this way. On September 9th 2009, Susan and I were sitting on the 3rd row on the side at the Gershwin Theater on Broadway. The view was partial but I was never so up close to the stage at a theater before and it felt amazing being so near all of the action! What I couldn’t physically see of the stage I saw in my mind. On August 12th 2010, I took my friend Bella to see Wicked at the Gershwin theater. We had pretty sweet center-orchestra seats and the perfect view. It was Bella’s first time and my third. I was mouthing-along the words to all of the songs and Bella was enchanted. It felt good getting to share this beautiful musical with a good friend who I knew would love it.

I love Wicked. I love how much I see myself in Elphaba. I love how I can draw inspiration and strength from her strong personality and determination. I love that I can hurt with her in her tragedy because I care about her. I love that even though she’s a green-skinned witch from Oz, she’s more human and real to me than a lot of characters I came across in literature, theater, cinema or television.

I miss Wicked for the way it makes me feel. I miss Wicked because it’s enchanting and it makes you believe in magic for 3 hours. I swear to God every time I see Elphaba shoot to the sky in the middle of Defying Gravity (or every time it reaches that part of the song and I see it happen in my mind’s eye), I get goosebumps because I believe, if only for that moment, that she’s really flying. Both metaphorically and physically. I am moved to tears every time I listen to these songs and I can’t find myself bored of these stories and these characters.

I miss sharing Wicked with my friends. I miss the memories we made watching this musical together.

I will not see Wicked in 2011 and that thought is unbearably hard. Hopefully I can make up for it in 2012.

I can’t remember how long I’ve been wanting to revamp this site. At least a year, if not more. And I’ve finally got it to begin looking and feeling like I want it to. I got a new theme, crafted with a little help from my friends, I got a gallery going (I’ve literally been putting that gallery together little by little for months), and I’m going to add some more content soon, like some of the writing I’ve done, the sites I’m hosting on this webspace and the offer to host more.

I’m going to use this blog/site as what it was always meant to be – a personal blog site that will center everything that is me, with all of my different thoughts and ponderings, my online projects, my writing projects, my development as a person.

I’m determined to keep this site up to date. I keep saying this and I never really go ahead with it but this summer feels like anything is possible. I’m back to passionately reading for fun, I’ve been back on the saddle of writing with a new zeal and motivation and I feel like I am getting things accomplished.

This all started somewhere around the end of the semester when I decided I needed to pull myself together and just get things done. I had 9 courses this semester which meant papers and exams from all directions and I needed to get them all done and do them well. So like every year, I built an exams-period schedule with assignments of things to get done on a daily basis and as I got them done, I could allow myself to relax and enjoy some off time. And it worked, and it paid off. So far, all but one grade have been over 90 (and even that one grade was 87 so I’m going to let it slide) and I’m overall pleased with them all.

I’ve also gotten into the groove of my job at Subway. I’m hating my job (though not yet hating on Subway as a brand and a food chain, so that’s good), and especially my boss, but I’ve gotten comfortable with my position within the work place and with the people working with me, and I’ve also started getting some money into my bank account. Which feels pretty good, I’ve almost run it dry. It also feels nice being able to detach some financial ties from my parents. I hate asking them for money. Hell, I hate asking them for anything. In a way I understand why my sister wanted to move out, independence feels better. But independence takes a price I am unable to afford at present (especially not with my almost-minimum-wage job that only seems to give me 3-4 shifts a week), so I’m trying to be as independent as I can while still living under my parents’ roof. And it’s working out alright.

I took a little trip to campus today and went to pick up my proseminar portfolio and some home-exams. So I still don’t know why I got 99 on my proseminar and not 100, the teacher just said when she reads a paper “it feels like a 92 paper or a 95 paper or a 99 paper”. And I was sitting there wondering why couldn’t mine feel like a 100. She said it missed that little bit of extra brilliance. I’ve always striven for brilliance as far as my writing was concerned – both creative and academic writing – so this is something I’ll be working hard on next year as well, particularly with my seminar paper. I just wish I knew what was that extra thing I could’ve done. I guess I’ll just have to keep aiming higher and higher and learn how to not jump, but rather – leap – to new heights.

As for the home exams, one gave me some useful notes that I will probably never implement, because it was an extra literature “enrichment” course I took as a part of my communications studies in a topic I will likely not approach again. But it was certainly enriching and while it was boring as hell, I did learn some new things that may or may not help shape my creative writing. Andrew McMahon was right, “everything is a piece of everyone”. The other lecturer wrote “99, excellent paper” on my 17-pages-long home exam, and that’s it. Not a single additional comment. Thanks, asshole. I put a lot of time an effort and you’re not even going to give me ONE comment so I can have a clue what wasn’t excellent about it? I hate lecturers like that. And, really, I just hate the grade 99. It’s terribly frustrating because you know you did a really good job, you just haven’t done a perfect job. That perfect round 100 was within your reach, and you’ve JUST missed it. I hate it when that happens.

I’ve also solved today’s Pottermore clue! All by myself! And registered for the beta-testing of the site (early access). I can’t wait for it to finally open, I can see myself wasting my summer away on it, re-reading HP1 and not giving a damn about anything.

This summer promises to be interesting. More reading, more writing, more chillaxing, more getting things that I’ve postponed for so long DONE. Stoked.

I have this strange burning urge to blog. I don’t really know why. I figured it’s the need to procrastinate from studying (I’ve been doing a lot of that) so I’ve postponed it till I’ve given up studying for the day (quite honestly I’m awake enough to carry on studying but I want to wake up at a reasonable hour tomorrow so I’ll go to sleep early. Early in my terms.), and now I still want to blog. I guess that’s a good sign. Maybe I am on the right path to revive this little personal site.

So today was quite a day. Today, I went back to work after being unemployed since… December. I quit my shitty manual-labor-minimum-wage job in December by telling my boss to go fuck herself. And then I decided to focus on the semester because it was a rough one. And now my bank account is nearly running on fumes and I still owe money from last summer’s little Something Corporate vacation (see: new layout. It was worth it), so it was high time to get back to work.

I figured I needed to work close to home, so I can save time and money on commuting. And I figured the mall, being 10 minutes walk from my home, would be the perfect place to find work. And I figured, everything at the mall is manual-labor-minimum-wage so it doesn’t matter where I work, really. And I figured I’m going to buy Subway every day for lunch anyway so I might as well work for Subway and eat for free. So I started working for Subway.

Going behind the scenes on a fast-food joint that you like is weird. It’s not very different behind the counter as it is in front of it, but learning the nicks and knacks of how everything works is very strange. You become disenchanted. I knew this would happen. I still think Subway is one of the few healthy options at the mall and that it’s a good place to eat at. It’s also better to work at – you don’t have to do any kitchen work, just work the front and make sandwiches. After my last job in which I mastered washing the floor and cleaning wooden panels, I’m kind of glad this job includes solely customer-service.

The job itself is not hard. It’s about remembering things. Remembering all the types of meats. Remember the prices. Remembering how much of what to put in. Remembering the sauces. Remembering how much time eat meat goes in the oven. I’m still working on most of that but I think I got the hang of it.

After work I attempted to study, and I failed miserably. I wish I could kick my ass into gear and stop being distracted by nonsense like Facebook-chatting and making pointless blogs about Andrew McMahon’s sweaters. I’m going to sit at the university library tomorrow and see if I can work better there without another computer, a TV, a kitchen with food and other house-residents to distract me.

I then had to go to the dentist. Which sucked on major levels. I have a black spot on one of my teeth. I’ve had it for a while but it didn’t hurt so I kept telling myself it’s nothing. Then my tooth started hurting, a different one! I decided I needed to go to the dentist to look into these two. I was fearing the worst, both on pain-levels and on paying-for-treatments-I-can’t-actually-afford levels.

I sat on the chair for ages. The dentist kept going back and forth checking my teeth and writing shit down and not saying anything. When he was finally done I asked him what’s the damage and he mumbled something about the number 8. When I asked to clarify, he said I have 8 holes. Then I asked him how bad they were and how serious were the treatments. He incoherently explained I have 6 holes on one side, and 2 on the other. And that the black spot is a hole. I felt woozy.

Then I sat for ages in front of the dumb secretary that is meant to set up dates for treatments and tell me how much it’s going to cost. At first she hit me with 1800 shekels and I saw black. Then I brought to her attention that the teeth cleaning the doctor wanted me to do as well as today’s appointments are things I am entitled to get for free once a year because I’m a member of that clinic. So she removed those charges, but then another secretary that knows what she’s doing noticed one filling is missing from the charges. So we ended up at 2064 shekels. And I just wanted to cry. The second secretary even said this is the first time she’s seeing a treatment that is only fillings and that I came off cheap. To this I incredulously responded “ya think?!”

Oh yes. Today was also my sister’s birthday. She turned 21. Since my birthday was a disaster and since my sister did not buy me a birthday present and since I don’t actually like her anyway, I decided to not buy her anything. And to ignore her birthday entirely, for good measure. No “happy birthday”, no acknowledging her birthday, no nothing.  I don’t know if she realized I was ignoring her birthday, or she thought I forgot, or she didn’t care one bit either way. All I care about is that I survived the day without antagonizing anyone. I’m sure retribution will come, but right now I don’t care. I have other worries.

I do fully intend to finish the revamping of this site… when I’ve achieved the level of productivity I set out for that particular day. Until then…….

I’m taking a Creative Writing Workshop. Every meeting, we sit and free-write for 10 minutes straight. Just write whatever’s on our minds to get all the junk out and allow room for our serious writing. From time to time I might post things I have written during the workshop. This is what I wrote yesterday. Fair warning – it is, indeed, rambling.

The Coca Cola machine gave me a freebie today. For no particular logical reason, it did that. I don’t know why. I put the always-on-the-rise price of 5.5 shekels into the machine and it produced not one but two bottles of Coke. Just like that. The Merciful Gods of Cola were smiling at me today. I’d be smiling harder if they kept the price at a bare minimum and didn’t keep raising it but, y’know, that’ll do.

A guy was standing behind me, waiting for his turn at the machine. Instinctively, I offered him the extra bottle of Coke. I regretted it immediately, almost as soon as I gave him the bottle. Logic would have it that I should keep the extra bottle. I shoot coca cola straight into my veins on a daily basis, I could always use an extra 0.5 liter. But there was nothing for me to lose from giving this guy the extra bottle. A random act of kindness from one stranger to another. Maybe karma will repay me. But probably not – both because I don’t believe in that shit and even if I did believe in it, karma would instantly become a bitch as soon as it knew I was onto it. You do good deeds, you expect good deeds in return and that’s not how it works. It should be a part of your nature to do good things. You should want to do good deeds without expecting a return. A return is just an added bonus, a pat on the back and the declaration that you’re a swell person. When you expect it, you’re selfish and greedy. You’re doing something for a return. That ultimately eliminates your intentions at heart as far as karma is concerned.

The Gods of Cola always used to smile at me. When I was in the army, I’d pray to the Gods of Cola to send me a free can outta the machine. I was at boot camp and I really fucking needed a replacement to the dull water served with lunch. One day, the Gods of Cola actually delivered. This is when I started believing. One doesn’t start believing something before they have something to gain outta it….

Funny, me who doesn’t believe in God, believes in the Gods of Cola. Perhaps it is exactly my frivolous attitude towards God that makes me mock him this way. Perhaps it is exactly why I do it. I don’t believe in him, so everything is a joke to me. I can invent a pagan faith based on Gods that give you Coca Cola and pretend to believe it. I bet the real Gods of Cola – its invetors and the CEO of the company, the people who make a buttload of cash off the new-age black gold, they’d probably fucking love this whole “Gods of Cola” business. They’ll like the fact their machine is giving free bottles less, though. And at the end of the day, that’s what matters, isn’t it? Money.

It’s amazing how an ounce of TV show related news can flip my mood upside down.

On the good news front we have return dates for two of my beloved Showtime shows, “Nurse Jackie” and “United States of Tara”:

I can’t wait for Monday, March 28th when Showtime’s Nurse Jackie andUnited States of Tara launch their new season.

Bring it on! Something to spice up the spring TV season when a lot of shows take a lengthy break before the final few episodes of their respective season.

On the worrying news front, the fate of old favorite “Supernatural” hangs in an uncertain balance while old favorite “One Tree Hill” will probably not live to see another season.

An insider close to the CW network tells The Voice of TV exclusively that the network will bring back hit series90210, Gossip Girl and Vampire Diaries for another season.

No word yet on America’s Next Top Model, Hellcats, Nikita andSupernatural but the insider did say the network won’t renew Life Unexpected, One Tree Hill andSmallville for another season.

Don’t expect an official announcement from the network about the cancellations until May, though you can expect one with early renewals for a few shows in the next few months.

I don’t get the renewal of “Vampire Diaries”. I’ll still watch it, for Damon, but I don’t get justification for this show to still be on air. Maybe it’s the fangirls. “Smallville” is long overdue to bid TV farewell, and they’ve announced this season (10!) as its final season a long time ago. So I’ve accepted it. Such a shame they’ve decided to become good again for their final season and not, like, 5 seasons earlier.

As for “One Tree Hill”, I’m ambivalent. I thought the show should’ve ended at the end of season 4 when the gang finished high school, but then they came back and proved they can still deliver. But when Lucas and Peyton left at the end of season 7, I didn’t see a point to carry on. And yet they still do. And I still watch it. Despite not feeling all too excited about it. I suppose if they give Brooke Davis the end she throughly deserves, we can bid this show farewell in peace.

I’m worried about “Supernatural”. I love the show, and while I think they should’ve ended it at the end of season 5 as planned, when the apocalypse story arc ended, I’m interested to know where they’ll take the show next. It’s been in a bit of a lull so far, but I will have a hard time saying goodbye to the Winchester boys. So maybe one more season?

Salma Hayek wants to develop Wicked by Gregory Maguire into a TV miniseries.

Normally I’d be happy at this prospect. I mean, Wicked will be better off as a MINISERIES than a movie that will cut it too short and not do it justice, or a FULL BLOWN network series that will stretch it beyond its logical limits.

However, this needs to be done right and I’m not sure Salma Hayek is the person to do it. I’ve still not forgiven her for what she did to Yo Soy Betty, La Fea and I fear for what she might do to Wicked.

So, Hayek, if you’re reading this, here are some ground rules:

1. Get Gregory Maguire involved. Authors know how to maintain the integrity of their work even under understandable changes from the book’s plot.

2. Sell it ONLY to a cables company known for quality productions. HBO or Showtime will do. DO NOT sell it to a network – especially not ABC. I think we’ve learned the lesson after Ugly Betty.

3. Steer as far away from the musical and its Disney-esque ending as humanly possible. The musical is amazing in its own accord, the last thing it needs is for you to put it on television and kill its ticket sales. Plus, the original novel was very dark and this is how your show should look like.

4. Good casting is key. Don’t go for big names, go for great acting. It’s even best if you get unknown actors for the key roles. The last thing I need right now is Chase Crawford playing Fiyero.

Follow these rules/guidelines and you can create a good production us Wicked fans can be really excited about it. Decide to take a dump on these guidelines and create a repeat of Ugly Betty, and we shall meet in a dark alley somewhere. Well, not really, but I’ll be royally pissed and I’ll use the full force of my tumblr blog to express this anger.

I really really like the new Patrick Stump song, “Spotlight”. Especially the “oh nostalgia” version of it because it really sounds like nostalgia – Patrick’s nostalgia and his work with Fall Out Boy.

What can I say, I like Fall Out Boy and I wouldn’t want Patrick to steer too far away from that.

Hurry up and release your new album, Patrick!

Publisher NewSouth is going to remove the N-word from new editions of “Huckleberry Finn”, which is pretty damn stupid when you think about it. Twain was making a very clear and obvious point about the way slaves were treated in the 19th century and the N-word is a big part of this point. Removing it from everyday speech is undoubtedly important, but removing it from the book will make the book a great injustice.

I’m going to hold onto my unedited copy of Huck Finn, I don’t know about y’all….

Some days go by, I wish I was famous
Or maybe religious, so I could go to heaven
Just like you
I can have a big house, complain about taxes
Payoff my ex’es, ain’t that living
No one makes fun of me, cause I can’t stand up for myself

Tomorrow is my 22nd birthday. So I’m feeling a bit sappy reminiscing on my year as 21 and invincible. It’s been quite a year. A year of great joys and of great sorrows. A year of growing up mentally and emotionally. A year of getting one step closer to figuring out my place in the world. A year of finding that peace from within, knowing it exists and cherishing that feeling. I wish I could hold onto that feeling. Maybe one day I will be able to.

My great joys were all centered around 5 weeks: I got to fulfill my dream of going to the land of the free and the home of the brave, the United States of America. I got to see the US as I wanted to see it. I got to find out what it’s like to feel American, if only for a little while. I found myself there. It was such a great relief to know this country is exactly what I thought it was. That being there would make me feel how I thought I’d feel. It was great to find out I belong there. That it felt like home in more ways than I could possibly put to words.
Everything about the US was amazing to me – the skyscrapers of New York City, the hills of San Francisco, the football and baseball fields, the massive fast food chains. Everything about it seemed familiar. Everything about it seemed to make sense. I made sense to myself.

This year was also about great sorrows. My grandmother passed away after battling cancer for 5 years. In a way she was dead for a while now, ever since she had that fateful stroke a year and two months before she passed away. It hindered any progress she made battling the illness. After that, she was a ticking time bomb waiting to burst. Fading till there was nothing left to hold onto. I don’t think I can quite comprehend what these 5 years watching my grandmother go through this did to me. I think this will be something that will take months and maybe years to surface, and a very long time to reach a point where I can be at peace with it.
I wish I could say I miss her. But she hasn’t really been her since the stroke. She was confused and dazed and disoriented without many moments of clarity. I can’t possibly miss her, I’ve gotten used to her like this.

Woah, I’m 21 and invincible
Woah, can’t wait to screw this up
And woah, I’m 21 and invincible
I’m in power for the hour
I guess today’s gonna blow us away

I also started university this year. I got to work. I got to go on that amazing trip all by myself. I paid taxes. I pay social security. I’ve become an adult in more ways than one. It’s quite mind blowing to think about it. To look back and see what a crazy year I’ve had. The twists and turns life brought on me and how I came out of it all swingin’.

I can only hope the coming year is just as eventful and amazing as the past year had been. Though, preferably, with less sorrows and stress and agony. But life’s not ideal. I’m willing to take it all on as it comes. I just want it to come. I’ve never felt more alive than I do tonight.

And it’s been autumn since the day that I met you
If I hit bottom, must I crawl out alone
And I don’t wish to know the secrets of summer at all…
LETS GO!

And whoa, I’m 21 and invincible
Whoa, can’t wait to fuck this up
Whoa, I’m 21 and invincible
I’m in power for the hour
I guess today’s gonna blow us away…